失望（二）

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Mother was not coming. That was the only thought circulating in my head, and I felt truly empty, even as the backstage coordinator yelled at me to take the stage. Mother was not coming. I dragged my feet to the centre of the stage, moving sluggishly as a hundred pairs of eyes followed my every move with piercing judgement. It felt like the way Mother always looked at me when I mentioned singing, but Mother was not there, because she was not coming.

I swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. Was it disappointment? I did not know, because I had not felt disappointment before, until now, and disappointment was a funny feeling. It did not feel like anger, happiness, excitement, or pride. It did not feel like anything. I felt empty and as I cleared my throat, willing for that beautiful voice everyone loved to come out. All that came out was a sound that was half a squeak and half a growl, hideous and disgusting. Even as the crowd before out into mocking laughter, jeers and boos, I could not cry, because I could not feel anything but that strange disappointment.

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